Congratulations to two of young guns in making the final.
Justin and Vu both deserve this year’s championship. Justin overcame adversity
in losing like 4 or 5 starters while Vu has been undefeated since losing a
heartbreaker in week 5. As I have been away at sea, my understanding of the NFL
has been diminished by all the snorkeling, buffet and trivia that occupied my
mind through 2 NFL weekends. Therefore, I am bringing in a guest analyst to
cover the FADUCO bowl. I’m glad that this very busy person found some time to
evaluate Don’t Poke the Bear and Tall Asian. So I now hand it over to Donald J.
Trump to do this week’s commentary. Take it away, The Donald:
This is a Huuuge game, starring two of the best fantasy
players in America. Aren’t Justin and Vu great? These two guys obliterated the
league in 2015, making losers out of such tired establishment owners like PJ,
Kevin, Victor and Hai. I think Justin
and Vu would be great helping me on the campaign trail to make America great
again.
Now, let’s look at both their QBs. Cam Newton is the NFL MVP
this year, no doubt about it. I like that guy’s showmanship and flair, with his
Dabbing and other dances. I would want him to be on the Apprentice, if I still
had that show. Justin has gone all-in on the Panthers this year, I like Justin’s
decisiveness. For Vu, Tyrod Taylor is a true road warrior. He’s only played one
home game in the past 6 games. Yet he has delivered in front of hostile crowds,
like me versus all those lame-stream media debate moderators who I’ve taken down.
Both are equally fantastic to start, I would give the slight edge to Mr.
Newton.
Let’s go to the running backs. Justin has lost Jamaal
Charles, Arian Foster, Jonathan Stewart, and God knows who else to injury. Yet,
he didn’t whine and ask for handouts like an Obama audience. He bravely plugged
ahead with scrappy Danny Woodhead (30 points last week!) and a great, great
pickup of Denard Robinson. For Vu, Doug Martin has been an outstanding
contributor, but Eddie Lacy and Lamar
Miller have been bums, disappointing like Jeb Bush in his campaign against me. You
know what is the opposite of the solid wall I’m going to build to keep those
rapists and terrorists out? The New Orleans defense! Who Denard Robinson is
going to face this week. So I’m voting for Justin as well in the RB department.
For the WR battle, I like Vu’ chances. He stole DeAndre
Hopkins from Victor, who had made a Benghazi-like decision to drop him as a
keeper at the start of the season. And then trusted Sammy Watkins despite a
crappy start, kind of like how I buy up undervalued property and develop them
into STARs. Playing Golden Tate is a great touch, just describes how I decorate
my properties. For Justin, Emmanuel Sanders and Ted Ginn are nice young guys,
like my opponent Marco Rubio. However, they don’t have the STAR Power like my
guys DeAndre and Sammy. Vu will draw some blood with his guys.
At TE it’s clear who the winner is. Since my boy Tommy is
not in the finals, I’m going to go with the next best thing – Gronk! This guy
just screams Winner. He’s a real American hero who doesn’t take prisoners. Gronk
going to schlong whoever Justin starts at TE. So there’s another win for Vu.
Let’s be real here. Kickers are disgusting and irrelevant,
like Megyn Kelly and all those Washington media people. I’m not going to
dignify my article by talking about kickers. If you care about kickers like you
do about the poor, you’re just a fat lazy bum.
Finally, we have the defenses. Carolina has the upside, I like
Riverboat Ron as their coach. He’s a gambling man, not like that wuss Peter
Carroll of the Seahawks. Carroll’s pass play call in the Superbowl was
absolutely the worst call in the history of the sport, almost as bad as Steve
Harvey calling out the wrong Miss Universe (which you all know I sold before it
went downhill). Panthers scored 25 vs. Atlanta 2 weeks ago, and I see them
doing well again. Slight edge to Justin.
I’m going to predict an upset win – Justin over Vu. Justin
reminds me of the departed Katy – who won 3 titles by going all-in on their
favorite team. Screw the mainstream thought of having to diversify your roster –
that’s a loser strategy. You need some out-of-the-box thinking to deal with
those Asians, which this current administration has been so bad at. Final
score- Justin 87, Vu 81.
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