Victor (1) vs Hai (4)
Hai started the
season 1-5 and looked like an also-ran. Then, Hai awoke from the dead. Since
Week 7, Lady Luck has returned to Hai, in a big way. Week 9, he faced Victor
with Peyton on bye. Week 11, he scores only 62 points but catches Bill on a bad
week. Week 12, close victory over Andrew as the low winner of the week. And in a must-win game in the final week, Hai
hit a 2-outer on the river (Poker lingo) beating PJ 46-40. Anyone else would
have beaten Hai last week. And that’s only because Reggie Bush slipped on snow
before the game and PJ didn’t replace him with Bell. This is an amazing Katy-like
run of good fortune that annoys the other league owners who believe Fantasy
Football is a test of skill (ie., the other 3 playoff participants, plus Kevin).
With Hai’s mojo, is it really worth the effort to go into
detailed stats analysis of each position? I say no, and therefore I’m bringing on a guest
analyst to cover the matchup. Now that he’s out for the season (again), let's welcome Rob Gronkowski who's giving some color commentary for this matchup:
Quarterback
Yo, I know Peyton is a machine and may break the record for
touchdowns tonight, but my bro Matthew Stafford is the bro-est of all the QBs in
the league, now that Matt Leinart is out. I mean, just gotta give respect tosomeone who can party with the babes like my good ol’ boy Matthew. I’m going with Stafford to crush it hard vs.
the Ravens, who cares about that machine Peyton? Peyton couldn't beat my Pats, he's not going to help in the playoffs.
Edge: Hai (Strong like me lifting weights to pick up the
chicks)
Running Back
Jamaal Charles is THE offense for the Chiefs, he got some
sweet moves and looks pretty chill while doing it. Speaking of chill, you see
what he did to the Deadskins in the snow last week? It gives me hope that if a lil bro like Jamaal
can recover from ACL, the Gronk can too. And then there’s Marshawn Lynch, who gets
into Beast Mode while eating packs of skittles. That’s someone who can party
with the Gronk too. Damn, Victor’s got two sweet bros at RB. For Hai, Eddie Lacy has eaten one too manysamwhiches, Gronk can teach Eddie how to
hit the weights, bro. Then Ben Tate, he’s
chill but doesn’t crush the yards each game. It’s like Hai is following the
teachings of that gray-hooded dude who paces my sidelines, benching my bro
Stevan Ridley. Not cool.
Edge: Victor (Crushing it hard with his RBs)
Wide Receiver
Man, I can sympathize with Victor ever since Julio Jones
went down with an injury. Hope you come
back too Julio my bro. Keenan Allen has been making bank on the field in his
rookie season, a much needed FA pickup for Victor. But Victor’s #2 WR spot is
as brutal as the men’s room at a frat party. Victor Cruz has scored nada TDs
since coming on board and Michael Crabtree is not crushing it on his comeback.
Victor has to pick up Dwayne Bowe for a second go-around with his team, let’s
hope it doesn’t end as badly as the time I tried to pick up a chick in Bangkok
that turned out to be a bro. For Hai,
Dez Bryant is THE MAN on the team, probs Hai’s MVP. That bro can flat out play
any day any where. And he looks like he
hits the weight room right. Hai also gots Marques Colston for a second spin, he
got a sweet –looking line last week.
Edge: Hai (Mad set of Wideouts)
Tight End
My favorite position, other than 69. Fist bump! Victor’s Charles Clay is only a rook, but he’s
playing fierce with that team down South. Guess what, he plays my Patriots this
week, so I can’t say I’m rooting for him to slay the yards. Hai’s got that old
man Witten, who’s been around since I
was in diapers trying to steal my dad’s Natty Light instead of the milk
bottle. It’s styling vs. consistency,
you know I’m going with style but Witten can party too.
Edge: Victor (chill,wouldn’t be surprised if Witten posts
vs. the Pack)
Kicker
If the kicker isn’t The Polish Keg Janikowski, I’m not
interested in chillin with some lame kicker.
Edge: Push, the Gronk doesn’t party with kickers
DST
Man, Victor is shifting different defenses each week, can’t
keep track of who he’s starting. Not cool that he dropped the Pats for the
Dirty Birds, though I can understand the reason. Any Defense starting vs. a
tanking Redskins is worthwhile. Speaking of tank, Fist bump to Will Ferrell for
Ron Burgundy 2 and for playing Frank the Tank in Old School. Definitely an
inspiration for Gronk when he got to college. Hai has the Panthers playing the
evil Jets. Gotta root for any team that faces those not-chill wusses from New
York.
Edge: Hai (Yo Soy Fiesta Panthers!)
Ok, there you have it, color commentary from Rob Gronkowski. Looks like he favors Hai in the majority of the categories, and I can’t disagree, seeing how Hai’s recent run of luck gives off a Team Of Destiny vibe. Also noteworthy is that Hai has never failed to make the finals whenever he makes the playoffs. I think Hai will upset me 89-74.
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